Psychoanalysis
by ThePioden
Summary: ONESHOT. 'Call me a drama queen again, and my death plant sucks out your innards.' No one EVER listens to Youko's side of it. It's all Shuuichi, Shuuichi, Shuuichi. Finally we get to hear Youko's side of the story. Rating for swearing and crackishness.


Youko-centric crack. Because Youko-centric crack is always fun.

Pioden doesn't own Yu Yu Hakusho.

* * *

I was pretty famous in the Demon World. "Legendary Bandit" and all that jazz. And, hey, that's all well and good; gets ya free stuff, cause no one is about to, Inari-forbid, _offend_ the famous Youko Kurama. 

_However.  
_

That title comes with a lot of baggage, yanno? I mean, yes, fear and infamy and crap, but dammit, I couldn't walk into a bar without the patronage diving under tables.

Kitsunes are supposed to be _masters _of disguise.

My fluffy-tailed ass.

Every disguise I ever used was spotted. Why? Because I was freaking Youko Kurama. Un-freaking touchable, yep, that's me.

No, I'm not bitter at _all._

Which is why Kuronue was such a welcome break.

I admit, it was a surprise to have someone _not _dive under tables at my approach. That arrogant bat just sat there, drinking whatever the hell he was drinking, and _smirked_ at me. Me! _Youko Kurama!_ That would be one of those things that _Just Isn't Done._ Taboo. And he _did _it!

Definite blow to the ego.

Needless to say, I liked him instantly.

Long story short, Kuronue became my partner in crime. Sharing the infamy was Very Much Fun, I can say that. Also, there was one person who didn't dive under tables. Kuronue was pretty damn awesome.

Then, in a stroke of absolute _genius_, the nitwit gets him self killed.

Smooth move, jerkass.

I was scarred! Traumatized! My delicate psyche was fractured irreparably!

Call me a drama queen again, and my death plant sucks out your innards. Yes, I _know _you didn't say anything. You were _thinking _it. I can tell you know. Magical kitsune powers.

No, seriously. Try me.

You're thinking... 'is this guy serious?'

Why yes, I am. I also have a death plant. A very _hungry _death plant. Waiting to suck out your innards. So shut up.

Back to my tragic tale of woe and misfortune and _fun shit_, after Kuronue went and got himself offed by effing _bamboo_, I was a bit of a wreck.

Yeah, I know, famous, icy, Youko Kurama. Cut me a break, I'd just suffered life-shattering _trauma_ here. I was _distraught._

So, being distraught, I got a _teeny,_ little bit careless.

Okay, so I got my ass killed. We all make mistakes, right?

Not wanting to, yanno, _die_ just yet, I decided to make myself scarce. Since I couldn't stick around in Makai, and Spirit World would be what I was trying to _avoid, _the Human World was my only viable option. So I got my ectoplasmic ass outta there.

Lo and behold, upon arriving in the human world, I run into a chick with a yet-to-be-born baby, ready for the inhabiting thereof. Of course, I had planned it like that. I _am _Youko Kurama, after all. I'm just that awesome.

So, I inhabit this fetus for a little while, chillin. And then the goddamn ball of guts and nerve endings decides to go and grow a pseudo-independant soul of its own. _Shit._ Now, this is not-so-hot news for me, cause if junior here grew his own soul, I was either squished back into the gelatinous folds of his pathetic human brain or booted out.

Guess what? I got squished.

And if _that _isn't enough, little Shuuichi-mind here can't fully _function _without _me._ I swear, everyone always runs to _me _for help. Why can't they solve their _own _damn problems?

Back on topic. Now, I figure by the time this pathetic little human body reaches age ten, I'll be strong enough to go be horrible and evil and _demony _again. And, as I had suspected, as I began to recover, I gained control of the brain. Noodles, score!

And... then something threw off my plans. Something always does. I swear, it's a conspiracy against me.

I am _not _paranoid. And I still have that death plant.

Alright. So. I'm playing good-little-school-boy so my cover is not blown. And I have to go get shit from this shelf. No big deal, except...

Damn, damn, _damn_ human body without tails and minimal sense of balance! I, the great Youko Kurama, _fall_. Me! Talk about indignity.  
And then that human female _mother _of mine _catches_ me, and slices up her arms. _Damn_ woman! Now I feel _attached._

And guilty. And sad and grateful and _goddamn._

Now, these _emotion_ things are kinda _new _to me, being a demon and all. So I let Shuuichi-mind deal with it; he's human, he can make these things _go._ Besides, I can just seize control of all motor functions later when all things are under control.

Hah-fucking-hah.

Turns out leaving junior in control was a _bad move._ It let him _develop. _And _now _I can't pry him off with a goddamn mental _crowbar. _Tenacious little bastard.

And so, my plans fall apart. Except... I still get some demony powers. Yeah, my Youko nature is just so _overwhelmingly awesome_, it kinda just _leaks through. _Cause, yanno, I'm cool like that.

So then Hiei comes along and hijacks my talent to steal some shit from Koenma. Cool-cool.

Cause, ya see, at this point, that human female was _dying._ She'd saved my life when I was a pathetic human kit, and I do _nothing _for her. Can we say _major guilt trip? _

. Damn humans emotions must insist on leaking through._  
_

So anyway I steal this Mirror of Darkness thing, which could save mom's life at the cost of mine, and I'm like: _shit this sucks, but I have to, but _dammit _I don't want to die again but I owe it to her because I'm not a _completely _amoral bastard and I _do _have honor, don't I? _Or _ARRRRGH_. One of those.

And then comes Spirit Detective Yusuke Urameshi.

This is another Noodles Score moment.

Becasue, you see, Yusuke was human. Humans had emotions. I could play this to my advantage. Noodles indeed.

So I feed Yusuke my admittedly true sob story, knowing he'd come to the rescue at the last moment. So I go and do the Mirror of Darkness Ritual O' Doom, and then Yusuke, like the easily manipulated human he is, comes and gives half his life to the mirror. So I don't die.

Sucker.

So I'm alive, mom's alive, I've proved myself to be an amoral bastard, but that's okay, cause everything actually _worked out._ Because I'm _just that good.  
_

Except _now_ I have to go to this "Dark Tournament" shit. _Fuckdamn. _But Yusuke needs my help, and I _do _owe him for stealing half his life, so maybe I'm not a completely amoral bastard after all, but _dammit Shuuichi let go of the brain and let me out!_

Tenacious little readheaded bastard.

So, Dark Tournament, and the little jackass won't let me out, even though our collective ass is on the line, and so _I'm _stuck here sitting in the back of the brain, while Shuuichi not only _steals my name, _but gets to use my experience and techniques. Cunning bastard. He fails at life.

"So... that's baisically my story."

"I think we've made realy progress today, Youko," said the shrink, scribbling on his clipboard.

"Really doc?"

"Oh yes, Youko. You're moving along quite nicely!" He handed the fox a slip of paper.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks. Hey, doc? I've got a question for you."

"Shoot."

"...Why are you Hiei, and why are you in my brain?"

* * *

Aaaaand... there you have it. Youko-centric crack indeed. No idea where the ending came from. This was mostly a stream of conciousness thing, because Youko... it's fun writing first person bitchy Youko. Hope y'all enjoy it. 

Also, Quick-Edit screwed over my formatting, meaning it turning EVERY asd;ijdfk-ing apostrophe and quotation mark into an accented 'i'. So I had to change them all. Let me know if I missed one (or like nine), along with spelling, grammar, words-in-the-wrong-place-ness, ect.

As of 3.12.2006 (...I lose at initiative)- things should be fixed. Yay!


End file.
